Things I Hate About Gay Pride Day
I should start by saying that Homosexual Gay Pride Day is my favorite day of the year. It’s sort of like queer Fourth of July. The whole thing is about liberation, it’s always hot, everyone is wasted, and if you’re lucky you can watch some fireworks. Oh, and you can definitely get laid if you want.
That stuff’s great and all, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t some things about the day that could be improved upon. So, on the occasion of Pride Day—which is this weekend in New York and has been spreading its gay cancer throughout the country all month—here are some of the things I absolutely hate about it.
Gay men are stereotyped as having supreme decorative powers, and three lesbians could build a replica of the Taj Mahal out of vegan popsicle sticks if it was for a good cause. So how the hell did we get stuck with such a vulgar and garish symbol of our unity and freedom? And why must they be EVERYWHERE? It’s like drowning in a sea of unicorn vomit. Sure, the inverted pink triangle was the symbol that the Nazis put on homosexuals before gassing them, but even that is preferable to Roy G. Biv. We should have known, Roy is such a faggy name.
Yes, Pride is a sort of holiday for 10 percent of the population, but don’t tell people “Happy Pride,” like it’s Easter or Halloween or their birthday. Pride is gayer than Christmas, which at least gets a Merry. Can’t we get something a bit jazzier? “Werq Pride.” “Snap Pride!” Even a “It’s Pride, Grrrrrl.” Something.
All right, everyone, listen up. Just because you’re not currently lying on a beach does not mean you shouldn’t put on sunblock. You are going to be standing outside all day in a parade or cavorting in the street or dancing on a pier. Put on some damn SPF or you’re going to look like some white trash jet ski junkie come Monday morning. Oh, and this goes double if you’re wearing a tank top: the gay uniform for summer (including the lesbians and their ironic predilection for wife beaters). Your back is going to look like a scarlet A by the time you get home if you’re not careful.
Bron bron the majestic
Miami New Times
Best basketball team on the whole East coast… that calls for celebration.
GAME 7 Compliments of Mr. James
Thank you Lebron! A 6 game defeat would’ve been heart wrenching. For about 2 hours… Then I’d forget allll about it with the help of a dim lit bar, whiskey, a little tequila and the company of an equally inebriated female.
As a gift to you, Dade-County offers you the Miami bottle hoe(s) of your choosing, anxiously awaiting your return and will gladly express their gratitude upon your arrival with or without your fiances consent.
45 Points, 15 rebounds, 5 assists really helped out Wades mediocre yet impactful offense performance. And the rest of the team, well you know.. Nice to see every Heat fans favorite dinosaur back in full on action! Not much for points but played a solid game otherwise. After all this praise though, seriously Lebron 5-9 from the line. I would rather see Joel Anthony’s aka Doo Doo Head’s aka Mr. Recession’s finessely challenged ass on the line. This series would be a wrap if we made our fucking free throws!!!
On another note, my father being a huuuggge Celtics fan (and a Boston fan in general), I’ve experienced all the pride, honor, tears, disappointment, and die-hard mentality that tends to characterize the cult like sports following.
The Celtics are undoubtedly one of the, if not the greatest basketball franchise of all time. I have more respect and knowledge than you can imagine, even though I’m a to the death heat fan (my father whips a mean belt. jokes.)
I’m mentioning this because as I was watching game 6 (streamed free online because my broke ass can’t afford to watch it at a bar, let alone have cable) there is a live feed comment box in the upper left hand corner of my chosen sight, where people obviously put in their 2 cents, sometimes a dollar, about the happenings in the game or just special thoughts and feelings they need to share “Thursday June 7th 11:31 pm - ddddd: i wana tity fuck a bitch right now”. Amongst Celtic fans the vast majority of comments mentioned Bird being brought back or how if he was here now the slaughter would not have occurred or even more popular was the number of championships the Celtics have won. Simply obnoxious. Honestly, I think most fans do it in times of sports rape (not talking about Kobe) but, just knowing what Boston fans are really like and imagining them completely murder saying anything with an A or R makes it so much worse.
Fact, you had, and still have a great team and players. Another fact, that team got straight up shit on tonight. Bringing up past success and glory is only going to make you that much more depressed knowing a) that will probably never occur again in your lifetime and b) the person you hate the most in the world (or at least in the NBA) completely dismantled your squad, at home, in an elimination game. Thanks again Lebron.
The past is the past, the present is the present, and we will see what the future holds. GO HEAT!